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| Ali in 1995 - radiating joy even when in pain and suffering. |
By now, ten years after Ali's death, I really should have been able to produce a decent introduction to her extraordinary life. If I have any excuse - and I'm not sure that I truly do - it would be that Ali's life was so complex that it isn't easy to write about it.
I have written previously about the final hours of Ali's life and how she willingly suffered with much joy. She died as she lived. Years earlier, in 1997, Ali had written that she wanted "to suffer until I can be a great martyr for Jesus and the Church." Ali was not killed for her faith, but was a heroic martyr - a witness - to it. She accepted suffering willingly, knowing that it could be united to the sufferings of Jesus, and that it therefore contributed to the salvation of souls, and the good of many people. Her acceptance of suffering was an expression of love for God and other human beings.
Ali had a relationship with Jesus, Mary and the saints that was entirely different to mine and most Catholics. I don't think she realised that she had an exceptional relationship with them. She would casually tell me what Jesus or Mary or a saint had 'said' to her - as though it would be an ordinary experience of Catholics to see and hear them - and in order to have an accurate account of what Ali told me I would often ask her to write it down for me. As a result I have a number of letters from Ali, all of which I kept, which would begin simply with "Dear Colin" and be signed off "Love from Ali and Pooh xxx," with some remarkable content in between.
Few people would write a letter like the one, reproduced below, that Ali wrote in June 1997. It is the sort of letter that only a saint would or could write. It is additionally remarkable in that it was written after a particularly difficult and distressing six months for Ali in 1997. The local parish church, which she had attended for the previous six years since becoming a Catholic at Easter 1991, became a very inhospitable place for her and she felt marginalised if not rejected by God and the Church. The letter was written at a rare moment during that period when light illumined the darkness Ali was experiencing.
Many people are broken by suffering. Many cling on to faith and hope as though by their fingertips. Many are in darkness and unhappy. I think Ali's life has much to say to these people, because she experienced suffering, brokeness, darkness and unhappiness in the extreme. It may be ten years since her death, but I think her main achievements for others are yet to come.
Dear Colin,
After confession today I talked to Jesus for a long time. I thanked Him for the pain because it has brought me closer to him. I said any suffering is worth it, as long as He is at the end of it. I thought the same about purgatory. *
I asked Jesus if the souls in purgatory can see him as clearly as we do here, or more clearly or less. I prayed it not be less, for that would be terrible suffering. His answer was to ask me to offer my pain today (or when it's next bad) for the souls in purgatory. But I don't know a prayer for that which is why I asked you. But I think maybe just offering it is enough.
I said to Jesus something I've been saying for a few days now (I've been praying each morning, offering in advance the day's suffering to him). I said it's not enough pain, because there is so very much to use it for and so little pain. I asked him for more. In fact, the only thing that would satisfy me now is to suffer as much as He did on the cross.
How I would love to be a martyr and die in pain. That would be the greatest gift I could have...
*I meant to say before that I thought six years of the pain to get close to Jesus is so merciful and so little [Ali was writing in 1997, and the particularly acute pain she experienced started in early 1991.] It made me think even purgatory would be little if Jesus is at the end of it.*
I want to suffer until I can be a great martyr for Jesus and the Church. But I want no one to know this is what I want because I don't want human sympathy. I want to love Jesus so much my heart breaks open and all the love spills out for Him. My pain is not enough to do this and that is why I asked for more.
Love from
Ali and Pooh
xxx
